Strong

I have often been told how strong I am...having cancer.  I must say...these are the times I feel most weak.  I am dealing with, going through, something that I have absolutely no control over.  Going through treatment is something that I have to do to get better...but it is so scary.  Not knowing what will happen....too many questions and scenarios go through my head every day.  I know that God's will will be done, and just hope that it is to let me live a long and relatively healthy life after this, but...only God knows His will. I try to take comfort in knowing that God has control, but it is hard because I still want to live for awhile.  I want to see my daughters grow up, graduate, get married, and have babies of their own some day.  So, if God's will is not to let me do those things...let's just say it would be a little hard to accept.  I feel like I need to write a book to my daughters, full of stories and advice; motherly wisdom for their life, just in case I am not there to tell them in person.  Then, I think that is morbid...
And just today I was told not to be such a rock, to lean on people more.  I don't know if that is really me...   There are times that I will need to lean on people and accept help, but not yet... I still feel fine right now.  I know maybe some people think I'm weird because I haven't cried when I talked to them, but ...I have cried.  In my mind, I could sit here and cry all the time, but that isn't going to do my family or I any good.  I think I need to be as strong and normal as I can for my little girls.  Especially while I still have a little control over what I am doing and my emotions.