My newest war wound.  I think it looks slightly worse in person, but maybe not.  My neck and shoulder are a little stiff on this, my left, side.   The port feels like a piece of jewelery I am wearing under my skin... eww!!!  It is such a weird feeling.  I can feel the weight of it hanging there and the bulkiness pushing against my skin.  It is a little swollen now so it is hard to tell how large of a bump it will be, but it is definitely going to stick out more than the first one did.  The first one was placed lower, near the top of my breast and didn't end up sticking out much, if at all.  This one though they said is a little bigger and they placed it higher.  As you can probably tell, it is right under my collar bone.  It has a pretty nice bruise surrounding it, and...it is time to take a pain pill. 

Biopsy Results

I finally found a doctor that was willing to track down my biopsy results and actually even call the pathologist and get a clear and final answer.  So, officially now, my Hodgkin's Lymphoma is back.  The doctor I spoke with yesterday, who I thought was going to handle my treatment, said that he would recommend 3 cycles with the ABVD chemo, which is what I had the first time, followed by the high-dose chemotherapy with stem-cell transplant.  I am not sure what exactly this means or how long it will take....  I have done research, but I don't really know until the doctors tell me what they have picked for me exactly. 

I am having surgery tomorrow morning to have a port inserted again.  I am really dreading doing the whole thing again. 

Biopsies

Wow!  I have had too many biopsies this month!  I had two biopsies done on Thursday the 17th.  One was a bone marrow biopsy which was thankfully cancer free!!  The other biopsy attempted to collect a sample of one of the masses in my chest through a bronchoscopy.  They stuck a scope through my nose, down my throat, checked my airways and then poked through and collected a sample of tissue.  However the results of this biopsy didn't show anything abnormal.  They probably either got too small a sample or collected it from the wrong place.

Then I received a phone call Tuesday, the 22nd, and was informed that I was scheduled for another biopsy Friday morning.  I had to go get labs and pre-register on Wednesday.  Then I got to enjoy Thanksgiving and stuff myself with food, since I had to fast after midnight.  Then I went in and had a CT guided biopsy.  They used the CT to make sure they were taking a biopsy from the right spot, and to try to avoid my lung, because the mass is near to my lung.  They used a coring needle, I believe I heard 20 gauge, to keep an opening so that they could collect multiple samples, so that hopefully this will be my last biopsy.  After the procedure they kept me for about 4 hours because they said I had air outside my lungs and wanted to make sure it was stable.  They told me to watch for shortness of breath and sharp pains and told me to basically have bed rest for the remainder of the day.  But, stupid me, I started doing things because I felt fine, then had some pain.  Then I started freaking out and thinking I couldn't breath.  I talked to the doctor who preformed the biopsy and he said that the main symptom to watch for was the shortness of breath, which I didn't really have.  I knew that was in my head, so I made myself relax, which is hard sometimes.   I realized that I am going to have to take it easy and slow, not overdo anything.

Strong

I have often been told how strong I am...having cancer.  I must say...these are the times I feel most weak.  I am dealing with, going through, something that I have absolutely no control over.  Going through treatment is something that I have to do to get better...but it is so scary.  Not knowing what will happen....too many questions and scenarios go through my head every day.  I know that God's will will be done, and just hope that it is to let me live a long and relatively healthy life after this, but...only God knows His will. I try to take comfort in knowing that God has control, but it is hard because I still want to live for awhile.  I want to see my daughters grow up, graduate, get married, and have babies of their own some day.  So, if God's will is not to let me do those things...let's just say it would be a little hard to accept.  I feel like I need to write a book to my daughters, full of stories and advice; motherly wisdom for their life, just in case I am not there to tell them in person.  Then, I think that is morbid...
And just today I was told not to be such a rock, to lean on people more.  I don't know if that is really me...   There are times that I will need to lean on people and accept help, but not yet... I still feel fine right now.  I know maybe some people think I'm weird because I haven't cried when I talked to them, but ...I have cried.  In my mind, I could sit here and cry all the time, but that isn't going to do my family or I any good.  I think I need to be as strong and normal as I can for my little girls.  Especially while I still have a little control over what I am doing and my emotions.

Finding Out

 I think that finding out you have cancer is one of the top 5 things no one in the world wants to hear...It is scary.  I went into the situation of finding out what the lumps in my neck were...trying to prepare myself for cancer but thinking, "I can't have cancer, not me."  When I first found out I had cancer I remember tears just streaming down my face.  I went to call my Mom first and just bawled.  Then I went home, got ready for work...kind of in shock.  When I got to work, it was so weird...trying to act normal when I just found out that I have cancer.  I told a friend and co-worker because I needed someone to know...and quite honestly, to cry with me.  My best friend and her husband just happened to come by that day and I started crying the moment I saw her.  Later, I felt kind of bad telling her because she was about 7 months pregnant and I didn't want to stress her out.  My Mom came down to the store and told my store manager, who gave me the rest of the day off.  So, I left...with thousands of thoughts running through my head...none of which were about work.  I think after the initial shock came a sort of acceptance...I knew I had to keep going and not get down about it...do my job the best that I could and do these treatments to get better.


My second time finding out I had cancer was a somewhat different experience. The doctors seemed a little...insensitive...I mean when my family doctor called me the afternoon that I had received my scan and said there seemed to be a mass and he was going to talk to my oncologist and see what the next plan of action was...I'm sorry but you SHOULD NOT call a person who has had cancer, tell them there is something on their scan and then leave them hanging for weeks.  NOT COOL!  I went to my appointment with my oncologist who seemed...unconcerned...the spot was insignificant it seemed...which gave me a little relief.. LIAR!  He calls me...I think later that day..to say that he read over the scan and it appears more significant than he thought and he would like to send me for a PET scan.  REALLY??? BE PREPARED FOR YOUR APPOINTMENTS!!!  So, by this time I'm thinking, "Great...I have cancer again."  So, I cried a little, hugged my daughters close, cried some more...  I called my husband, who was out of town, tried not to get choked up, but I did...  I decided not to tell any other family until the results of the PET scan confirmed the presence of cancer. 

Background

My name is Jennifer.  In late August of 2007, I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Over the next few months I went through chemotherapy with the ABVD drug combinaton. I had 8 treatments given once every other week.  My last chemo was the day after Christmas, the day before my 26th birthday.  A few weeks later I had a CT scan and was told that there was no sign of the cancer.  Then I started radiation therapy to my neck and chest.  I finished that at the end of February 2008. 

I had my first daughter in November 2008 and my second daughter June 2010.  Having two children, and breastfeeding both of them, made it somewhat hard to fit scans into my schedule.  I had a scan before becoming pregnant with my second child in late September of 2009, which was cancer free. 

Then I finally had another CT scan done the first week of October 2011.  The doctor called me the same afternoon and said that the radiologist had seen a mass.  As a person who has had cancer...that is the last thing that you want to hear.  I was trying to be optimistic at first since the doctor said that the mass measured 5mm.  I was thinking it could be scar tissue...anything but more cancer.  A few weeks later I talked to my oncologist, and I don't know if I misheard the first doctor or if he misspoke, but I found out that the mass was 5cm and was pressing on my lung and had actually caused a partial collapse.  So, I was sent for a PET scan, also know as a cancer scan, on October 31.  I received the results later that week and was told that my PET scan was positive...or I have cancer...again.  I will be having a biopsy on one of the masses, as well as on my bone marrow on November 17th.  And thus begins my second round with cancer.....